A quick thing about fear.

I live in a constant state of fear. I am an overly anxious person. I like to tell myself that that’s just how I am and it’s ok, but I know it’s not. God tells us not to fear and not to worry, however I’m sure that at some point all of us have been afraid. All of us have been anxious. All of us worry.

I have this devotional app, and yesterday I opened it for the first time in a while and was shocked by the connection I had to a particular devotion. It was titled “Where I’m From” and it was all about anxiety. Some particular quotes stood out to me, and I really wanted to expand on them:

-“I crave anxiety because with her, I feel alive.”

At first when I read that phrase, “I crave anxiety”, I was conflicted. I don’t want to be anxious. I’m well aware that as a Christian I should go to God with my worries

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 4:8

but I don’t always do that. In a way I do crave anxiety. Why?

-“She keeps me running and chasing for meaning and purpose.”

Anxiety can fool you in the moment. It can seem like a good thing. It might seem like you’re just concerned about meeting your goals or finding your purpose. It doesn’t always seem like pointless worrying.

I don’t like to admit when I’m anxious. I confuse anxiety with caution and motivation. I claim that my fears are reasonable, and sometimes they are. More often than not, I create them. I have created a fear of going to places by myself, I have created a fear of talking to classmates, I have created a fear of annoying everyone. I have created a fear of life. These fears aren’t realistic, these fears aren’t productive, and these fears aren’t reasonable.

I try to place blame on other things to lessen the ridiculousness of my anxiety. A lot of us like to put the blame on something other than ourselves. My favorite excuse is: “It’s just this place.” I have plenty of variations of that statement that I use to “explain” why I’m so anxious. For my hometown it’s “I know too many people here.”. When I was living in Texas last year it was “I don’t know enough people here.”

-“You need to get out. …And somehow, no matter where I move or what job I have, I still need to get out.”

Even earlier today I was thinking that things will somehow be better once I get out of this town again. Then I stopped myself, realizing that the problem isn’t the place. I always seem content in a new place for a while, and then I always find something to complain about and I feel like I need to “get out”. I don’t feel like I can succeed there, so I want to go someplace where I think I can. I shouldn’t be seeking an earthly place though, I should be seeking a heavenly one.

“Instead, they were longing for a better country-a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.” Hebrews 11:16

-“Without God, life is only what I make of it.”

That statement filled me with dread. Without God- who gave us life and guides us through it- what can we do? We’re completely hopeless.

“Not that we are competent in ourselves, but our competence comes from God.” 2 Corinthians 3:5

“He is before all things and in him all things hold together.” Colossians 1:17

“So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.” 1 Corinthians 3:7

-“My hope and ambitions are outlined by what I can do on Earth.”

God’s plan doesn’t always line up with our ideas. He takes us to places we never would’ve expected. God is certainly not predictable, so why am I afraid about not meeting my goals? If I seek God plan for my life, I know He’ll work through me. It’s God’s plan, not our own, that we need to focus on.

“However, as it is written: No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him” 1 Corinthians 2:9

“God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.” Hebrews 11:40

-“If I don’t harness these anxieties- if I let them rule my emotions, my energy, my care- then I show myself to be fighting against God. …The God who saved me from an otherwise drifting existence and gave it meaning.”

God can do infinitely more than we can. So when I fail to go to God with my worries, I’m fighting against him. Working with him would be following what I know he wants me to do. I’m not just hurting myself, I’m hurting what could’ve been accomplished while I was busy worrying. God will work, I just need to trust Him.

“By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also.” 1 Corinthians 6:14

“You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.” 1 John 4:4

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10



Returning to God- again and again and again

Hi! I’m Bailey. I’ve started blogs on and off for about the past three years. This one, though, is going to be much different from the rest. My old blogs- those were all about me. This blog is all about my God.

I’ve been struggling lately with reading my bible and studying His word. I’ve been caught up in school, friends, and (if I’m being completely honest) Netflix. Those things are all fine and dandy and all, but not when they keep me from more important things- THE most important thing.

In the past few weeks I’ve dug myself into a sort of spiritual hole. I stopped doing my daily bible studies and progressively felt worse about doing so. Since I felt bad about not doing them, I avoided doing them more. I’m not sure why. Did I think God was mad at me? I looked through some of my favorite verses today and here’s what I found.

“Even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.” Joel 2:12

Even now. Those words always stick out to me as so beautiful.

I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. Isaiah 44:22

I’m a sinner. We’re all sinners. I am a sinner. By not focusing on God, I’m sinning. I constantly sin when I put small, meaningless things ahead of Him. When I choose to watch Grey’s Anatomy instead of reading my bible that day, I’m sinning. I know this but I do it anyways. Even though I constantly sin, God constantly forgives.

The fact is, God just wants me to come back to Him. No matter how far we stray, God always wants us to come back to him. Whether you haven’t picked your bible up in weeks or decades- God just wants you to come back to him. When I get to these points, I always like to think about the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) and how the father rejoiced at the sight of his son returning home.

But we had to celebrate and be glad because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found. Luke 15:32

The son didn’t expect this welcome- he didn’t deserve this welcome. We don’t deserve that welcome.

I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men. Luke 15:19

I am not worthy to be considered a child of God, but I don’t have to be. I forget this a lot. In this world we’re supposed to earn everything, but we don’t have to earn God’s love. We can’t earn God’s love. Thank goodness. He loves us when we don’t deserve it. He just wants us to come home.

So that’s what I’m trying to do right now. That’s the purpose for this blog. To help document my growing relationship with my perfect God and to share it with anyone who might want to read it. I’m excited to see what comes from this little blog adventure.