I hate the saying “ignorance is bliss”. That saying is ignorant. Ignorance is terrible. Ignorance is stressful.
I’m the type of person that likes to know everything. Like, literally everything. I aspire to be that obnoxious know-it-all. With God that becomes a bit complicated.
This past year has felt like a giant “pause” in my life.
I’ve been at home going to a community college until I can go back to a university next semester. I haven’t done much. I’ve been pretty unproductive. I feel a bit useless.
It’s hard for me to see the meaning of this past year in my life. I have to constantly remind myself that God’s still working in my life even if I can’t see it. It’s ok if I don’t always understand why something happens. It’s ok if I’m sometimes “ignorant” about my own life.
I feel like I’m pretty good at looking back in my life and understanding why things worked out the way they did. In the moment, though, I don’t. I mean, I understand why I’m here. I see what has brought me to the place I’m in. It’s just the constant question of, “What’s the point?”
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. Isaiah 55:8
My way of wanting to know everything, including everything about my own life, is not God’s way. Sometimes it seems like such a basic request, wanting to know my own life. But then again, my life is not my own. It’s God’s. I remember last year in my sociology class the teacher had us plan out our lives. I made a plan for my entire life. I was actually SO proud of it. It was a good plan. I loved it. Not too long later on, I noticed God pulling me in a new direction. Basically, the complete opposite direction. It was almost like God looked at my “plan” and was like “You’re hilarious but that’s actually not even close.”
In the long term I’m ok with this. I know that whatever God has planned for me will be so much greater than anything I could have planned for myself. Would I have planned to come back home for a year? Definitely not. But there’s a reason for it.
Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21
God’s voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. Job 37:5
I’m sure that eventually I’ll look back on this year and say, “Wow. I’m so grateful for that extra year with some of my best friends.” or “Wow. It was great to spend that time with family.” If this was God’s plan for me this year, it’s no doubt the best plan. There are good things about being here, they’re just overshadowed by my lack of desire to be here.
Which kind of leads me to one of my favorite verses:
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24
It’s one of my favorites because I like to pray it. I’m often blinded by things in my life. I let my emotions get in the way. I stop searching for God’s plan in my life. I inadvertently add to my ignorance. I know that I’m being blinded by things in my life. When I can’t see the good, that’s not God’s fault. I’ve blinded myself. So, I ask God to lead me. I ask God to show me my faults. Show me where I’m blind and where I’m ignorant.
I don’t need to know everything, but I need to make sure that I’m not the one keeping myself from realizing God’s plan. I want to continually try to prepare myself for whatever God has in store for me. I don’t want to continue dwelling on what I don’t know or what I don’t like. THAT would be ignorant.